This post has not much really to do with spirituality and play but I think it’s worth writing about anyway and it’s my blog!
I used to agonise about periods when I felt I was “without God”. There have been long periods in my life when I found or felt I didn’t have a tangible connection with God. The first of these was the classic adolescent realisation that perhaps everything you have believed in is untrue. Perhaps God doens’t really exist – if he does exist where is he? Where is his tangible presence?
I agonised over this for a long time and asked God to help me to find him again…until I realised that if I still prayed I still had belief…this didn’t result in a blinding Damascus road vision of Him, simply the ability to keep recognise that my faith had moved into a different place and the ability to accept my own doubt.
Then I had a period at University where I felt truly that God wasn’t around and again was very angry and sad and frustrated.
There have been many of these times – I’m in one now actually, but what i realised this morning is that in all those times, now that I look back on them I knew all along that God was there, I was just experiencing him in a different way – maybe more quietly, maybe less intensely, maybe it’s all too much to be in that much contact with Him and you need a rest! And in addition, however far away I thought he was that intimate presence has always returned, unexpectedly, never at my demand, but always at the right time.
Bear in mind this revelation has taken me 36 years to reach. I hope that if you gain anything from this it will be the following:-
- when he “goes away” he will come back
- our timings have nothing to do with it
- you are never truly seperated from God – no matter how oppressive things are